The "Best" of The Blast?
August 25, 2016
While The Blast is on hiatus, I thought it might be fun to bring back some of the earlier pieces that folks may have missed. Today's is Blast written back on August 25, 2016, speculating on Donald Trump starting a Media Conglomerate network if he lost the election. You may recall that there was a great deal of speculation at the time that, in fact, Trump was only running to pump up his "brand" and had bigger and "better" thing$$$ in mind than the Presidency. So, the following was my take on what a Trump Network might look like. Enjoy
Thursday, August 25th
The Trump Media Empire?
With the hiring of Stephen Bannon (of Breitbart News) and the “unofficial” signing on of Roger “Hey, Babe” Ailes, there has been talk that Donald J. Trump is not as interested in becoming President (too much work!) as he is in becoming a Murdoch-like Media Mogul. Even if he suffers a humiliating defeat, you know that the Trump brand will survive with flying colors and it’s not all that hard to imagine Trump creating his own network. With that in mind, here is what that might look like.
The following is a roster of potential programming for what I believe will be the Trump International Telecommunications System (TITS). Starting with Sunday, the lineup will be: 12 am to 6 am infomercials for, of course, Trump products. We can expect to see hour-long infomercials dedicated to selling Trump Steaks, Trump Ties, Trump Water, Trump Fragrance, Trump Magazine, and Trump University. From 6 am to 9 am there will be “news” delivered in a folksy format called “Where’s the Action?”, sponsored by Trump Casinos and hosted by Jeffrey Lord and Scottie Nell Hughes. Sunday morning, starting at 9, will feature a series of news panel shows, starting with The Sean Hannity Hour, in which the former Fox News sycophant will tell whatever outrageous stories Trump/Bannon/Ailes pass along (“Obama Started AIDS” “Chelsea Clinton is Married to a Black Man,” etc.). 10 a.m. will bring on “the Man” himself, with Meet Mr. Trump, a quasi-news “interview” show and then the 11 a.m. hour will be The Trump Group (an homage to the late John McLaughlin), featuring Mr. Trump as the host discussing the news of the week with Dick Cheney, Jim Gilmore, Rick Santorum and Rick Perry. From 12 pm to 11:59 pm the network will feature re-runs of “The Apprentice.”
The weekly scheduling will feature a wonderful variety of News, Entertainment and Sports programming. On the news front, there will be the nightly NRA Hour, hosted by Wayne LaPierre and, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, a live, call-in show, Here’s Vlad, featuring Russian President Vladimir Putin. The nightly news will see Jeffrey Lord and Scottie Nell Hughes as anchors with a special segment called “Point-Point” featuring Rudy Giuliani and Newt Gingrich. A documentary-style news program will be Uncaptured Heroes, hosted by Jesse Ventura. Finally, there will also be a nightly feature hosted by Ann Coulter called “You’re the Bitch!” in which Ann will castigate various liberals and communists who refuse to appear on her show.
The Entertainment roster is bursting with great shows! There is the usual array of game shows, with all-new stars and approaches. Wheel of Fortune will be hosted by Michael “Sez who?” Cohen and Tiffany Trump pitting people’s real fortunes against each other's as prizes. Family Feud, hosted by Stephen Baldwin (with his classic Eric Trump hairdo), puts Donald, Jr. against Eric with their hand-picked teams; the winner gets to spend the weekend at Mar-a-lago with Dad. The Price is Right, hosted by Chris Christie, will auction off national park lands, offshore oil drilling as well as pipeline rights, throwing in some sweet government contracts “for services.” Let’s Make a Deal is hosted by Paul Manafort and involves numerous international “men of mystery” as contestants. Al Baldasaro will host an oirignal show called Firing Squad!, in which contestants shoot at effigies of Democratic politicians and whoever has the most "hits" wins a weekend with the host in his backwoods New Hampshire cabin.
As we head into the pure entertainment programming there is some exciting original programming as well as re-boots with great twists. Two fun, animated shows, created by the brilliant Seth McFarflung, are “The Towel Heads,” a raucous comedy about a Sikh family that moves into a “whites only” Queens neighborhood and “We Love That Wall,” about a heavily armed Texas family that lives in the shadow of a Mexican border wall. There is a wonderful travelogue, Sarah Palin’s Road Show, in which the former vice-presidential candidate travels around the country in a tricked-out RV looking for “the real America.” Then there's the reality show about the Mogul and his family called Traipsing with the Trumps. An afternoon talk show, Babes with a View, features Melania, Ivanka, Ivana, and Marla Maples as hostesses --- just watch the furs fly there. The remainder of the programming are shows like Duck Dynasty (as is), Scott Baio in “Chachi Loves Tila Tequila;” The Oddest Couple stars Wayne Newton and Gary Busey (arguing over who's more heterosexual); a family comedy called Eyes Right!, with Jon Voight, an aging Army patriarch (ret.), and Kirstie Alley a Marine matriarch (ret.) and their extended military family is guaranteed laughs! There will also be a hilarious re-invention of Anger Management, starring Bob "The General" Knight, the legendary basketball coach. Another original comedy stars Antonio Sabato, Jr., as Tony Black, in The Blacks, about a young family that has trouble finding housing in a neighborhood they want to live in (because of their name) until a kindly Real Estate Agent helps them out, becoming their best friend and mentor. Each show concludes with kindly Mr. Donaldson's catch phrase, "I love the Blacks!" Laudably, the TITS network has revamped a TV classic, calling it The Huxtables, starring Ben Carson and Omorosa Manigault as Cliff and Clair, now “empty-nesters” whose children never visit. Another re-boot, hearkening back to “I Dream of Jeannie” is The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, starring Katrina Pierson as a raccoon eyed political wannabe who falls under the spell of a handsome and charming billionaire (played by Tom Selleck, with a blond wig). Then, in a brilliant piece of original programming, Stephen Bannon produces, directs, writes, and stars in Whitish, a satiric and charming comedy about an alt-right Internet publisher who rails against the increasing diversity in his Upper East Side neighborhood. Two new music shows will be Ted Nugent's So You Think You Can Shoot --- AND Sing? which features gun-toting musicians who target-shoot while singing popular Nugent hit tunes. Loretta Lynn hosts a gospel/country hour called Grand Ole Plantation, which brings back mintrelsy, blackface and all! Talk about Blockbuster TV.
And then there is the Sports programming. John Rocker, with his show, Only the Baseball is White, covers America's pastime. Mike Ditka, the football guru, hosts Can’t Live with Them, No Wide-Outs or Running Backs Without Them. Basketball is covered by Dennis Rodman, who makes a case in N.B.A. – No Blacks Allowed highlighting great white players like Bob Cousy, Pete Maravich, and Larry Bird. Boxing programming has Mike Tyson offering insightful tips on his show, The Pigeon Whisperer. There will also be a Sports Quiz Show, hosted by Pete Rose. It will be a sports version of the old Groucho Marx program, You Bet Your Life! Finally, the TITS wrestling show, Peter Thiel’s WW-WTF! stars Hulk Hogan and Lou Ferrigno.
In all, one can see that the Trump International Telecommunications System, with a variety of platforms on-air and online, has potential to be a genuine media force that will immediately rival Fox, providing a substantive counterpoint to the extreme liberal media that surrounds us. Happy viewing!